Sonos SUB: Wireless Subwoofer

Sonos is good doogsi sonos. That is our only attempt at writing this post entirely as a palindrome. Sonos, the palindromic company behind the Play:3 and Play:5 wireless speakers, brings you the non-palindromic SUB ($700). Aside from its heinous lack of being a palindrome, the SUB does what subwoofers do best: woof subs. And play music. Most importantly, it contains force-canceling speakers that prevents annoying rattling, but doesn’t change the fact that the SUB could have easily been named SUB BUS and therefore be a palindrome. Despite its disregard for the joy of palindrome-ness, the SUB’s one button setup and wireless capability make up for it (barely). Lion oil.

Defusable Alarm Clock

You’re a loose cannon, a maverick, and it’s time to prove yourself with the Defusable Clock ($42.95). The mayor’s been on our asses for weeks to find out where the next bomb will be planted. The Defusable Clock could be that bomb. It’s a fully functional alarm clock, but if you hit the big red button, the countdown begins. One of the Defusable Clock’s four wires is randomly chosen as the correct wire, two do nothing, and one blows up your face. Choose wisely. If you don’t, you’ll be an embarrassment to the whole damn department (because you’ll be blown up). You’re off the case and off the force. Gimme your badge and gun, and get out of my office. Your investigation is finished, you hear me?

Cryoscope: Discover Temperature Through Touch

Everyone loves touching things. Why not touch the Cryoscope? It wants you to touch it. Go on. TOUCH IT. The Cryoscope is a hunk of extremely touchable metal that changes temperature based on preloaded settings. You decide which climate you wish to touch-feel (your hometown, the Sahara, or even Branson, Missouri) and the Cryoscope will change to that exact temperature. Then you may touch. Crowdfund this touch based touch-mometer to receive a piece of bronze slag vaguely resembling a Brontosaurus. Or, with a pledge of $300, you can receive your very own aluminum Cryoscope ($400 for bronze, $4500 for silver, and $80000 to watch Cryoscope’s founder fight a legion of homeless men). Let the wild touching commence.

1512 Spirits: Signature Poitín

Brewing moonshine in the rusty upturned hubcap of a Ford Pinto is a tedious process. 1512 Spirits Signature Poitin bypasses any need to continue your sad alcohoperation (alcohol operation). This 104 proof Irish spirit is crafted by third generation Sicilian distiller and barber(?) Salvatore Cimino in his 700 square foot basement. If THAT doesn’t hook you, know that he makes this stuff using the finest potatoes and a secret family recipe (hint: it contains zero leprechaun blood). Note: poitin is pronounced pot-cheen, or just potion, or even lotion. Who cares! It’s booze, stop worrying about the name and drink it, freshman.

Audi e-bike Wörthersee

Adding e to the front of words makes anything sound futuristic. Who wants boring old regular mail when you can have e-mail? Bays are fine, but e-bays make us tingly. A bike is just a bike, but an e-bike? The Audi E-Bike is the cybernetic bicycle upgrade we’ve all been waiting for. The e-bike is powered by electric whirly motors and power ratios, all of which are  interfaced with a touchscreen for reasons unknown (secret robot war is our first guess). Audi’s cyberbike weighs in at a cool 46 pounds, and contains “ultra-blade” wheels, making a looming robot revolution that much more menacing. This sexual bike beast will be unveiled at the 2012 Wörthersee tour in Austria, which will most likely become ground zero for the robotic uprising after this bike hacks into Europe’s nuclear launch codes.

Infierno 103 Grill

Looking for a goddamn grill to cook your goddamn food? The Infierno 103 ain’t a goddamn grill, it’s a goddamn food heating space station. It’ll cook your goddamn food with its goddamn wood burner. It even has a goddamn brick hearth for your goddamn pots and irons and even goddamn flatbread baking. It can stand freely, goddamn it, or you can build the Infierno into your goddamn home like a goddamn iron chef. The entire goddamn thing is lined with these goddamn fire bricks, which are goddamn replaceable if you’re goddamn OCD or some goddamn thing. Check out the first goddamn Infierno at Dan Barber’s Blue Hill at goddamn Stone Barns, if you’re so goddamn inclined.

V-Moda Faders VIP Earphones

According to Fearmongering Statistics, a billion percent of our youth will be bleeding constantly and profusely from their ear sockets by the time they reach their teen years. This epidemic is linked to loudly blasting music sounds via their fandangled walkmen, and is more uncomfortable to look at than most debilitating medical issues. Now you can shove music directly into your ear drums with the Faders VIP by Ear Armor, Inc. ($20) without the risk of sound waves perforating those precious ear holes of yours. Aside from harmful noise level reduction, the Faders produce hi-fi sound clarity with a detachable cord for simulated umbilical shenanigans. And they come with a carrying case. Deal=Sealed.

Day Maker

Here we go, another Kickstarter project. These things are capitalism juggernauts. The Day Maker ($100) is a cathartic device for those frustrating days when you really feel the need to shove expensive electronics into toaster ovens. Aside from toast simulation, the Day Maker is a phone charger/alarm thing that launches your phone at the designated alarm time. For snooze time, just shove the phone back into its hole-home. The Day Maker is being offered at drastically reduced Kickstarter prices, so support it now you cheap, gracious bastard.