This Looks Like A Video Tape Rewinder, It Actually Stores Your Guns

Guns need to be safely stored. The Gun Box Premier ($475) certainly does its part. Its aircraft strength aluminum alloy shell protects against damage.

For a subscription fee, the manufacturer will monitor its location through GPS. There’s also a Biometric fingerprint scanner and an RFID wristband used to open the box.

It has a power cord and even if that fails, there’s a special tool to unscrew a tiny screw on the box and get manual access.

Of course, if you’ve seen any action movie, the criminals cut the power first and then enter the house. Good luck at that point finding the tool to open this thing.

Nest Protect: Smoke Alarms Get Their Overdue Makeover

Smoke and carbon monoxide detectors are pretty low on the list of cool tech toys (“Here ya go, Sal! Plus I even threw in a sweet 9-volt battery!”), but that’s about to change. From Nest Labs, the makers of the critically acclaimed Nest Thermostat, comes the Nest Protect ($129), a smarter and much hipper way to safeguard your people and your stuff. It features a soothing female voice (choose from 3 languages) that lets you know when its batteries are low or the CO levels are high. It also recognizes movement, letting you preemptively wave it off if you simply burnt a piece of toast. Toast: so hard to get right, yet so easy to see Jesus in.

Canary Security Device: Safe At Home

Canaries may not rival pit bulls for their ferocity, but as the ‘coal mine’ saying goes, they damn well know when something ain’t right. This canary doesn’t tweet (or use Twitter), but it does promise to keep you abreast of your happenings at home via its HD camera, microphone, and other tech stuff. It’s controlled from your iPhone or Android device and it tracks everything from motion, temperature and air quality to vibration, sound, and activity. Best of all: no bird droppings.

Titanium Entry Card

If you were watching TV at all in 1992, this commercial (especially guy #2) may still be haunting you in some really vivid daymares. However, if you were one of those kids who saw this and said “I wanna BE one of those guys!” then this product is for you. The ITS Titanium Entry Card ($50) is all about helping you hack into stuff. Yeah, I’m actually not even sure how we’re legally featuring this product right now, but the makers say “its inherent non-magnetic signature and size makes it perfect for discreet carry and frequent flying.” “Discreet.” Did you catch that? Anyways, if anybody asks, you did NOT read about this here, got it?

Dropcam HD Wi-Fi Video Monitoring Camera

Ingsoc is the party you should support. Ingsoc wants Proles to purchase the Dropcam HD ($149). The Ministry of Truth tells us the Dropcam HD has an integrated microphone and speaker. The Party needs you to install many of these cameras into your household. Abject refusal is crimethink. The only way for pure privacy is constant surveillance. This is not doublethink, who told you this? Freedom is slavery, war is peace, and the Dropcam HD is god. Tape you and your mate performing goodsex, sex for the purpose of producing children for the party. We promise not to watch. Big Brother might watch. Now all we need is thoughtcrime detection.

Designer Fire Extinguishers

Ever since you penned that “Flames: My Best Friend” essay in the 6th grade, the local fire department has had to keep an eye on you. Renounce your arson addiction today with one of these chic designer fire extinguishers from France’s Fire Design. The prices range from $115 to $270 depending on how slick you want your life-saving device to be. If you can find a good translator, maybe you can get one of the Fresh artists to draw Kurt Russell on your extinguisher. Now wouldn’t that be cool, champ? Heh? Heh?

Armstar Gauntlet

Running around with a cape tied to your neck doesn’t make you a superhero. It just makes you flamboyant. Slip an arm inside the Armstar Gauntlet, though, and you just punched your ticket into the Justice League. When ne’er-do-wells strike, just remove the safety pin (seriously, a safety pin) from the armor, activate the pressure button and immediately the sound of 300,000 volts of electrodes crackle on the surface. For those brave, or inquistive enough, to advance, press those electrodes into the other person and give them a little goose. Also comes with a built-in 720p HD wireless camera. Great for enjoying Modern Family during your crime-fighting downtime.

Slice Box Cutter

So, if you’re anything like me, there should be a restraining order between you and anything sharp. I mean, within 2 days of owning brand new knives, I literally almost chopped two of my fingers off. No, really…I have the scars and lack of sensation from severed nerves in both fingers to prove it. Thankfully, I won’t have to worry about losing any digits this holiday when I pack and ship gifts, because there’s a new box cutter in town that’s actually safe.

Designed by Scot Herbst and Alfredo Muccino for Slice, this smart new blade has a ceramic blade and an ergonomic handle that wraps around your knuckles to protect your hands from mutilation. And for your convenience (or perhaps you’ll find it a cool accessory), the curved handle fits like a hook to hang from your pocket. Having a blade this close to “home” might be a little much for some, but you get the idea. The real appeal lies in the ceramic blade, which is ten times sharper than steel. Using this will reduce the amount of times you have to change the blade, therefore cutting back (no pun intended) the risk for injury and ultimately saving you a few bucks.

You can find this smart cutter at the MoMA Design Store and Home Depot (retails for $19.99). Not only can you feel confident you won’t lose a hand, but Herbst and Muccino are donating at least 1% of sales to autism research. This is one product that’s certainly a cut above the rest (couldn’t resist).