Mercedes-Benz G63 AMG 6×6: The Joy Of Six

The Mercedes-Benz G63 AMG 6×6 is pretty much a super hero’s ride. The specialness starts with the six, yes, six wheels on a frame that was originally built for the Australian army. The 5.5-liter, twin-turbo V-8 delivers 536 hp and even takes this 8,300-lb. beast from 0 to 60 mph in about six seconds. Wearing just a thin layer of tights, heroes need to ride in comfort; the G63’s quilted white leather seats take care of that, while the bamboo-lined cargo area is surely a classy way to carry your arch nemesis to the county lockup. Begin your crime-fighting career in October for somewhere around $450,000.

Volkswagen XL1: Prius Shmius

What’s your car’s mpg? 25? 35? Maybe you have a Prius and you’re proud of that 51 on the highway? Well stifle it because the Volkswagen XL1 is about to take the ball and go home. VW says the two-seater will be the most fuel-efficient car in the world, using a plug-in hybrid system to achieve an ungodly 261 miles per gallon. It’ll take nearly 13 seconds to get to 60 mph on the 47-horsepower, two-cylinder diesel engine, but again: 261 miles per gallon.

2013 Audi S3 Sportback: August Would Be Proud

Besides having a dope name, German engineer August Horch also founded the company that would become Audi in 1909. His dreams of creating a five-door, all-wheel drive hatchback with 300 horsepow–OK, honestly that wasn’t his dream. His dream was to bone Fay Wray in a gorilla suit, but this isn’t the forum for that. It is the forum though to mention that the above specs and more can be found in Audi’s new S3 Sportback. The turbocharged 2.0-liter TFSI engine takes it from 0 to 62 mph in just 5.0 seconds.  August, if he were still alive, would also dig the S3’s reported fuel ratings of 34 miles per gallon. He was kinky like that.

2014 Mercedes-Benz A45 AMG: The Accent’s On Red

The all new Mercedes-Benz A45 AMG offers much more than your typical hatchback. Waffle maker? No, there’s no waffle maker. But if you can get past that oversight, you may just have the hot hatch of your dreams. The upgrades from the A-Class hatchback begin with the AMG-tuned 2.0-liter turbocharged 4-cylinder engine, which produces 360 horsepower and 332 pound-feet of torque. The seven-speed AMG dual-clutch transmission gets a grip via 4Matic all-wheel drive. While there are a few changes to the exterior, it’s on the inside where you’ll find the flair. With a flat-bottomed sport steering wheel and more red accents than a Moscow cocktail hour, there’s plenty of style and speed to compensate for the lack of fresh waffles.

Conquest Evade

Live in a bad neighborhood? There are two ways you can go. 1) Move. 2) Buy the Conquest Evade ($579,000). While not quite as bulletproof as its older brother, Knight XV, the Evade will surely clear a path to safety with elegance. This thing is covered in aluminum and steel, right on down to the solid stainless steel steering wheel. And why not load it up with available commercial grade air suspension, 360-degree exterior lighting via joystick, and retractable flat screen monitors? You did save all that money by not moving and all.

2013 Range Rover

Like Miley Cyrus’ evolution from jailbaitish tween star to short-haired hipster, Land Rover’s Range Rover is also evolving from rugged & boxy to less boxy & more sexy. The 2013 edition still has that classic flat roof, but its transitions from roof to trunk and roof to hood are now much more fluid. Checking in at 39%  percent lighter than last year’s model, you’ll have no problem getting speed out of the V8. Look for pricing next month.

BMW M135i

If this vehicle had a Hyundai or VW badge on it, you might not look twice. But sure enough, the new BMW M135i is indeed a BMW, and that makes sense, doesn’t it? It also makes sense that the 3-door ride packs 320-horsepower. The new model is 85 mm long and 17 mm wider, so you get more cargo and legroom in the backseat.  Extra perks include Internet access, Lane Departure Warning, and auto-braking cruise control.

Lamborghini Urus SUV

What’s the difference between a kidnap victim and a Lamborghini? You don’t have a Lamborghini in your garage (badum-tsh). Now you CAN have a Lamborghini in your garage, although the joke will have to be altered slightly. Named after the ancient beast of burden that roamed Eurasia at some point in history, the Lamborghini Urus SUV boasts a V10 engine and a $200,000 price tag. When you have that much scratch lying around, your only choices are between buying the Urus or purchasing a small island where you hunt poor people for sport. Now you can drop your children off in style at rich people soccer practice, where the soccer balls are studded with rubies and the turf is made from slightly more expensive turf (but there’s honestly no difference between the two).