Seat Warmers Would Melt This Truck

There are ice cream trucks and then there are ice trucks. Canadian Tire stripped down a 2005 GMC Sierra 2500HD and remade it into an 11,000 lb ice cube with an engine.

The truck advertised their new MotoMaster Eliminator Ultra battery’s ability to start in cold temperatures. And start it did. It hit a jaw-dropping 7.5 mph. That’s 3 times as fast as hamsters can run.

Unfortunately, the truck can only go straight since any turning causes cracks in its body. It also took 44 hours to melt. So, if any drivers want to travel 44 hours in a straight line, this might be a good choice.

2015 Chevrolet Colorado: Ready For Anything

The “most capable, versatile and fuel-efficient pickup” in the country is what Chevy wants to make the 2015 Chevrolet Colorado. Of course that doesn’t mean you won’t be able to tow 6,700 pounds of Blue Light of Death PS4s to the trash heap if you’re Sony, or 6,700 pounds of Kinect cameras no one really wants if you’re Microsoft. The Colorado has towing power as well as niceties like standard corner steps and a two-tier loading system, plus you can spring for Chevy’s EZ Lift-and-Lower tailgate if you feel the urge. Choose from a 2.5-liter four-cylinder or a 3.6-liter V6 and get to haulin’.

Icon Thriftmaster: Sick Pickup

Nobody cares if the Icon Thriftmaster has a Hemi in it. Hand-built and going for $250,000, this stunner is based on the Chevy Thriftmaster, but it’s much more than a new truck. With hand-welded steel all over, engine options that deliver either 315 or 435 horsepower, and nearly the entire cabin lined with black bison leather, this very limited-production hauler is like the Grey Poupon of pickups. Bon appetit.

Ram 1500 Black Express: Dark Invader

The Ram 1500 Black Express ($26,955) takes Dodge’s 1500 pickup and basically turns off the lights. Black reigns supreme here, from the bumpers and grille to the 20-inch aluminum wheels and Ram’s head badges. The lively 5.7-liter Hemi V8 remains the same, but with 395 horsepower and 410 pound-feet of torque, there’s no reason for disappointment. The Ram 1500 Black Express can also tow up to 9,250 pounds, or nine Melissa McCarthys.

Man of Steel Superman Truck: Hauls Everything Except Kryptonite

If you plan on hauling ass to see Man of Steel when it opens later this week, perhaps the best way to haul said ass would be in the new Man of Steel edition of RAM’s Power Wagon truck. The body matches Superman’s new darker look with Dark Ceramic Gray paint, a vinyl wrap, and a high-gloss black roof. You’ll find Superman logos in place of the traditional Ram badges, with Superman-themed materials on the inside as well.

Mercedes Unimog: Your Steel Ox Awaits

You may have never seen one in person, but the Mercedes-Benz Unimog has been around for more than 60 years, and it’s everything Paul Bunyan wish he had. The latest iteration features a new sculpted grille, new twin LED headlights set in the front bumper, and the same fiercely rugged design and capabilities. Whether it’s the base engine’s 5.1-liter turbodiesel I-4 (156 hp) or the 7.7-liter turbodiesel I-6 (354 hp), the Unimog makes Bunyan’s ox Babe look like Clay Aiken.

2013 Shelby Raptor: Haul Ass, Not Equipment

Pickup trucks are often purchased for their ability to haul snowmobiles, firewood, and sketchy mattress forts. But the 2013 Shelby Raptor truck shakes you by the collar and screams DRIVE ME FAST! A supercharged engine capable of 575 hp is the cause for all the excitement, but the interior won’t stir up feelings of load hauling either. The custom Shelby leather and stylized graphics clearly peg this truck as something to show off in, not shovel mulch into.

Jeep Action Camper

Finally, the option to convert that Jeep you’ve been living in into something more homier. The AT Action Camper ($54k) features everything that fits inside your studio apartment, but with much more room to spare. It comes equipped with over 6 feet of headroom, a 40-liter fridge, stove, sink, dining table, and a bed fit for a king. However, the most important question you’re asking yourself is: can I convert the faucet to spray water into my ass? To which the Action Camper replies with a teary eyed “Always.” Yes, the AT Action Camper’s faucet transforms into a bidet. And a shower, if you’re some sort of hygienic freak.