Bacon Condoms: For Flavorful Meat

Our apologies; last week we incorrectly stated that we had seen every possible bacon product possible. Now we’ve seen it all. J&D’s Bacon Condoms ($10) are made of the highest quality latex, so your girlfriend’s hopes that this is simply a novelty product will be crushed like a Corolla at a monster truck show. Plus each condom also comes with a generous slathering of Baconlube inside it, so if your lady doesn’t like bacon, it’s time to look for a new lady.

The Original Baconkit: Start Makin’ Bacon, Never Stop

Now that we’ve heard of every possible bacon-related product possible, now, NOW somebody finally invents a way to make your own. The Original Baconkit ($17) contains everything you need to make 5 lbs of delicious homemade bacon. Just get your butcher to hook you up with a pork belly (you might have to bat your eyelashes a few times) and you’ll be on your way to legendary man status. And all these years you thought magic sprinkles were required to make bacon–ha! Nope. All you need is the curing bag, cure, maple sugar, thermometer, and instruction sheet. It’s all included.

Bacon Scented Soap: Just Don’t Eat Your Hands

I don’t recall being asked if I wanted my soap to smell like an Irish spring or a dove, but that’s the crap that’s been foisted on us for decades. But now there’s finally an alternative: bacon scented soap from Man Hands ($5.95). There are other varieties, including cash, cannabis, and baseball glove, but this, this 3 oz. bar of betterment will leave you clean and most importantly, your hands and face will reek of bacon. The women will never know what hit ’em.

Bacon Shaving Cream

We’ve all been there: you’re shaving your face and stuffing it with bacon at the same time when the fat juices start to dribble down your chin, making for a bizarre scent mixture of menthol and smoked meat–not appealing. Bacon Shaving Cream ($14.99) from J&D solves that problem. This luxurious foam is perfect for all skin types and all types of bacon-lovers. This stuff has rich moisturizers, essential oils, and “advanced heat-activated aromatic technology” that makes your face smell like bacon. What the freak else do you need?

Bacon Olive Oil

Sometimes (twice a year) you don’t want big, meaty chunks of bacon in your vegetable stir-fry. Sometimes you just want the essence of it; a reminder, if you will, that although bacon’s formidable being is not included in this particular meal, its spirit is omnipresent. If all that new age mumbo jumbo just threw you for a loop, here’s the deal: buy this Bacon Olive Oil ($14.99) and you can lube your pan with the taste of bacon before every meal.

Bacon Jerky

Does anyone have an idea how we as a society came to have buffalo jerky, venison jerky, and turkey jerky before bacon jerky? Seriously, that’s a horrendous oversight. No matter, the problem is solved now as you can find this savory treat on the shelves of Walmart right now, courtesy Memphis-based Monogram Food Solutions. It’s a fitting name for a company who’s providing a much-needed solution to this national disgrace. Now who’s gonna take care of this shell game being perpetrated by the cable TV companies?

The Better Bacon Book

Long ago it became cool for men to worship bacon–that’s nothing new. These days, however, if you wanna impress the hairy heteros at your local hangout, you can’t just polish off a pack of pork a week and expect a hero’s welcome. Win the superficial support of your friends by making your own with “The Better Bacon Book” ($5), the iPad-exclusive how-to guide to preparing, curing, slicing and frying your favorite meat. We’re gonna assume you can handle the eating part on your own. Tom Mylan, executive butcher at The Meat Hook in Brooklyn, takes you through 20 instructional videos, which is 19 more than we ever thought we’d see in our lifetime but 20 more than Tom probably thought he was getting paid for. You’ll also get bacon-loaded recipes from top restaurants and bars, like bacon jam and rye whiskey and bacon. Hey, what do guys think about this one: A bacon cheeseburger?! Take a few minutes to wrap your head around that concept.

7 Cool Things That Can (Possibly) Double as Girl Gifts for Valentine’s Day

So you couldn’t pull the trigger on that planned breakup with your girl during Madonna’s halftime horror show. Bummer, dude. Now you’re on the hook for another February 14th full of coerced commercialism. Yeah, that little scamp Cupid is back, and he’s got his arrow cocked at your dome, just daring you to show up empty handed. Well, have no less fear. So Freaking Cool is here with a nifty list of gifts that beat the Stove Top out of flowers and candy. Sure, they’re manly items, but if you spin it just right, when she tears off the wrapping, you’ll have her believing you’re in this relationship for the long haul–until that hot Wendy’s cashier finally gives you some play.

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