Parks and Recreation Ron F***ing Swanson BBQ Sauce

Parks and Recreation’s resident libertarian and meat enthusiast, Ron Swanson, is now offering his very own condiment to cure what ails ya. Ron F***ing Swanson BBQ Sauce ($14.95) goes great any kinda grub, but especially on his classic turkey burger (learn how to make it here)–which of course is just a turkey leg wedged in between a boatload of beef.

Grand Hall X-Series Infrared Grills

OK, so your neighbor just pulled up with a new Porsche 911 Carrera, and while you can’t afford such a car, you need to answer his move. Hey, get a Porsche of your own! Specifically, the Grand Hall X-Series Infrared Grill (starting at $8,600). Made in conjunction with Porsche (yes, the Porsche), this grill boasts programmable LCD infrared burners, a built-in rotisserie, rechargeable batteries, and a counterbalanced hood. He may not immediately be jealous when you tell him the news, but when the odoriferous essence of those baby backs waft over into his yard, expect him to start talking trade.

5 (Asinine) Tips for a Super Summer

It never fails. The thermometer hits 85 and TV newscasters bombard us with doomsday warnings about killer jellyfish and deadly potato salad drive-bys. But man, summer only lasts two months! It needs to be sucked dry of all its fun juice, and sucked fast and hard. Ditch the nagging naysayers and click “Next” to pump up your summer fun!

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Grill Comb

Fonzie had a comb, but didn’t find much of a reason to use it. Now if he had had the Grill Comb ($11), well, believe you me—different story. Add this tool to your grilling repertoire and you’ll have a much easier time of perfectly browning your shrimp, beef, chicken and vegetables when the stainless steel teeth are keeping things in place. And sure, in a pinch, you can always use it to fix your ‘do.

Curly Hot Dog Roasters

How many wieners have you lost to campfires over the years? There’s no innuendo in that; it’s a serious question. If it’s more than one, that’s one too many. Secure your meat with these handcrafted, one-of-a-kind Hot Dog Roasting Sticks ($22). Made from high-quality steel with a classy oak handle and leather carrying strap, these frank protectors will ensure a delicious, even roast over the flames, while making sure your dinner doesn’t die a fiery death. The dog you save may be your own.

Darwin Triangular Briefcase BBQ

Wouldn’t it be awesome if, during lunchtime at the office, you opened up your briefcase to reveal not the usual mix of documents and skin mags but a wicked mini grill!? No, it wouldn’t be awesome, it will be awesome. Score the Darwin Triangular Briefcase BBQ ($39) and you’ll be looking like a businessman when it’s closed and a, um, burgersnessman (wtf) when it’s opened! Just stuff some charcoal and a lighter in your pants pocket and you’ll be ready to turn that staff meeting into a rip-roaring luau. Can you say promotion? If you can’t, don’t worry, it’a a toughie.

City Boy Picnic Grill

Just because urbanites choose to live in a city doesn’t mean they don’t love to fire up the grill and let the aromas of singed animal flesh waft through the great outdoors. But space? That’s an issue. The City Boy Picnic grill designed by Klaus Aalto is compact, stylish, and the steel gas burner cooks meat. So the next time your country friends point to barbecuing as a reason to move to the sticks, point to this and say “Screw you, country friends! And while you’re at it, how about you come up with a real name for yourselves besides ‘country friends’!?”

Eva Solo Grill Globe

For many of us, there is no “grilling season” per se; it’s a 365 kinda thing. But lots of other people consider this weekend to be the official start of the BBQ calendar–poor, misguided souls. At least they can make up for it with a flashy meat holder like the Grill Globe ($520). The shiny aluminum lid instantly reels in your gaze before you cast your glance on the stainless steel stems holding it all in place. The integrated thermometer and lock, and rain/frostproof coating make this the kinda tool that you can trust with your charred flesh from year-round. Spread the word: you can grill outside of May-September.