Statement Bicycle Rack: A PC Excuse To Say “Nice Rack!”

“Nice rack!” may not be an appropriate way to recognize your friendly Walmart greeter, but it IS a most fitting way to salute the Statement Bicycle Rack ($190). Meant to resemble a piece of art when not in use, the rack is made from American-sourced birch hardwood, anodized aluminum, and stainless steel hardware. By the way, “Nice ass!” is fully encouraged at participating Target stores.

Lightskin Bike Post Seat Lights: Shiny Happy Bicyclists

One of the problems with most tail lights for bicycles is that they frequently get stolen by bad guys. Since attaching a piranha fish tank to your bike seat is outlawed in 49 of the 50 states (stay gutsy, Maine!), the next best way to avoid theft and let cars see you at night is the LightSKIN integrated bike post seat lights. The LEDs are easily embedded inside the seatpost, making them perfect for alerting nighttime drivers of your presence, while staying off the radar of crooks.

Iceberg Oak Wood Bike Hanger: Here’s Your Answer To “How’s It Hangin?”

You paid good money for your bike… OK, so you stole it at knifepoint, but still, you probably paid good money for that knife, right? Point is, your bicycle deserves to be hung with style. The Iceberg Bike Hanger ($600) is beautifully handcrafted from carefully selected oak wood, plus its easy-to-use mount system can rest on walls made from wood and concrete to human skin. Remember: It’s a slippery slope from stealing bikes to making flesh walls. ONE TO GROW ON!

Elk & Iceberg Bike Hangers

While I haven’t seen any news coverage about an army of aggressive cockroaches developing poison fangs yet, still, that’s not the the kinda thing you wanna wait on the unreliable news media to get around to. Protect your bicycle from ravenous roach teeth with these solid oak Bike Hangers ($240-$295). They mount to the wall and will safely hang your bicycle out of harm’s way, securing top tubes up to 1.58-inches thick. If two new bike hangers (here’s the other one) aren’t a sign of an impending invasion by these insidious insects, I don’t know what is.

Ceiling Bike Hoist and Mount

“On my old lady’s neck” is a terrible answer to the question “Where do you store your bicycle?,” but for too many escaped convicts, that’s the only solution. Space is at a premium; not only for the cons, but for everybody these days. The BA1 Bike Hoist ($90) from Floaterhoist solves your space issues and their girlfriend dilemmas by raising the bike up off the floor/jugular and up to the ceiling. Not only does it do so via a classic (and fun-to-say) rope and pulley system, but the video of the product in action is soundtracked by the Nutcracker Suite. Nothing to not like here, people.

Aston Martin One-77 Cycle

We’ve all dreamed of owning an Aston Martin, and now those dreams even include bicycles. Built by famed British bike builder Factor Bikes, The Aston Martin One-77 Cycle ($39,000) is an all-out two-wheel masterpiece. Everything is custom-made, from the full carbon frame and disc brakes, to the LED lights and hand-stitched handlebars. Only 77 are being built, so despite it costing a few pennies less than an actual Aston Martin, the reality of owning one remains equally elusive.

Bicycle Frame Handle by Walnut Studiolo

Apartment dwellers are often forced to lug their bicycle up the steps into their homes, lest it be pilfered by a no-goodnik. Walnut Studio’s Frame Handle ($30) makes that chore much more manageable. This little leather accessory gives you a comfortable and sturdy grip on your bike, so you can use your other hand for things like fending off advances made by the aforementioned no-goodniks. Hey, you ever think they might leave you alone if you stopped wearing those spandex shorts?

InCOG Biketool

Pedaling down the street with a sack of tools sounds like something Lance Armstrong would do to train for a race, and let’s face it, you’re no Lance Armstrong–you’re Larry Armstrong, accountant from Cleveland, Ohi–what? You’re not Larry? Sorry. Please, keep reading though, because the InCOG Biketool ($60) by Joshua Brassé lets you avoid that bulky scenario stated above and store a valuable multi-tool inside your handlebars. A tamper-resistant friction lock & custom key design means thieves won’t sashay away with your stuff. Again, sorry about that whole Larry Armstrong mix up. Won’t happen again, Larry–dammit!