Spreadable Beer: Jelly Just Got Jacked

PB&Js were a tasty treat when you were 7, but now that you’re older you find yourself craving something more manly. Like, something that can’t be found in a jar of Goober Grape. How does a PB&B strike you? That last B stands for Beer. Emanuela Laurenzi of Alta Quota Brewery and Pietro Napoleone of Napoleone Chocolatiers in Cittareale have joined forces to create “spreadable beer”, and yes, it’s exactly what it sounds like. For $12.50 you can choose from ‘Omid Dark Ale’ if you’re looking for a darker, more robust flavor, or the ‘Greta Blond Ale’ for a lighter taste. Spread it on a bagel, a banana, or a girlfriend. Bottoms up.

Pirate Pancake Griddle: Feed The Scurvy Dog In You

If pirate pancakes don’t tickle the 5-year-old inside you, then well, somebody play “Taps” for that tot. I’m guessing the Pirate Pancake Griddle ($93) was created after a recent study showed 11 out of 15 scurvy dogs simply prefer the taste of batter when it’s got a wicked cool skull and crossbones baked in. It’s a blend of old tech (green sand iron casting) with new tech (digital designs and CNC milled patterns), and it’s all Made In USArrrgh.

Mama Walker’s Breakfast Liqueurs: Drink Your Breakfast Responsibly

In retrospect, it was foolish to think we had reached the zenith of morning snacks with the humble breakfast burrito. Now, with Mama Walker’s Breakfast Liqueurs, we know better. Between the snooze alarm abuse and brutal rush hour traffic, there’s just no time anymore for chewing. Get your dose of Maple Bacon, Blueberry Pancake, or Glazed Donut in the form of something sippable and succulent at 70-proof.

Rollie Eggmaster: Must… Have… Egg… Kabobs

If I told you that just $30 stands between you and a lifetime of enjoying eggs on a stick, is there any way you would believe me? Please believe me. We may not have flying cars yet, but by god we do have the Rollie Eggmaster Cooking System; proof of our living in the 21st century if I ever saw it. Just crack your egg, pour it in and watch it rise to the delicious occasion in mere minutes. Sure you can make other things in the Rollie, but when egg kabobs are within an arm’s reach, you don’t mess with anything else.

Egg and Muffin Toaster: Skip The Surly Teens At Mickey D’s

7:30am comes early enough; the last thing you need is a 14-minute wait at the McDonald’s drive-thru to be topped off with a surly teenager half-assing your Egg McMuffin. This Egg and Muffin Toaster from West Bend ($59) saves you the aggravation by letting you prep the muffins (toast, etc), poach the eggs, and heat up the Canadian bacon, all with one convenient appliance. Now you’ll only have to go to McDonald’s to stock up on those disposable shot glasses, aka ketchup cups.

Glazed Donut-flavored Vodka

Damn it! June 1st was National Donut Day and we totally forgot to celebrate it. Oh well… might as well drown our sorrows in Vodka 360’s new flavor, 360 Glazed Donut. While the typical donut usually only packs 50 proof (55 with rainbow sprinkles), Glazed Donut vodka clocks in at 70 proof, allowing you to get drunk off this stuff much faster than you would with say, a dozen Boston Creams. If you need a donut and coffee to start your morning but you’re watching your weight, a little spike in your joe might be the way to go.