Strietman ES3 Espresso Machine

Espresso machines tend towards greater complexity these days, and that’s not necessarily bad. Technology brings improvements. Time-tested techniques, though, sometimes don’t need fancy gadgetry. Take espresso. You make it by forcing water though finely ground coffee. The Strietman ES3 Espresso Machine ($1700) relies on a piston that pumps water though the coffee, which you engage via a lever, and presto! Espresso like the monks made (not sure if monks made, or make, espresso).

Hook the copper-on-birchwood machine to your wall and save some counter space. The machine also features an onboard electric water heater, letting you heat water to an exact temperature. And temperature is the key to good espresso.

Nespresso Maestria: I Got Your Barista Right Here

If you like the fancy coffee machines at Starbucks but hate using phony Italian words to place your order, check out Nespresso‘s Maestria. With a major nod to the machines found in traditional coffee houses, this red (or white) beauty lets you play the barista without having to write your name on a cup. Authenticity abounds here, even down to the steam pipe on the side which gives you super powers to create frothy cream from milk. Never utter “venti” again, my friend.

Espresso Veloce V12: Get Your Morning Runnin’

What do you get when you cross a NASCAR fan with a palate for fancy Italian coffees? Dalesimo Earnhardtorria? No. That’s silly. You get Espresso Veloce’s V12, an engine that doesn’t propel vehicles but rather your insides with delicious jolts of caffeine. Built with titanium, magnesium, and aluminum, and featuring oil filter-shaped coffee filters and exhaust tubes that deliver the rich goodness, it may be the ultimate combination of redneck and Riviera.

Piamo Espresso Maker: A Portable Pinky-Raiser

Espresso has previously been reserved for coffee shops and Italian restaurants where old men talk with a surprising amount of passion (and volume) about bocce while holding their cups with their pinky fingers extended. Piamo, a portable espresso maker by Lunar, finally gives you the ability to drink sans pinky; anytime, anywhere. Just add water, an espresso pad or ground coffee, maneuver the pieces just so, and then nuke it for 30 seconds. Yes, espresso from your microwave. Now lift that little digit and get to sipping.

Nuova Simonelli Musica Lux Espresso Machine

If any drink deserves to be made with flair, it’s espresso. No one would think less of you if you changed into a tux each time you made a cup. The Musica Lux espresso machine by Nuova Simonelli ($2,515) flairs out with twin rails of lights lining the stainless steel machine. You can even customize the brightness of the lights and the key pads. The heat exchanger boiler allows you to steam milk and brew espresso simultaneously, and any appliance that comes with a “steam wand” instantly makes your home that much flairy.

Espro Press: French Press without the Grit

Good coffee is always sought after, but rarely found–kinda like Norbit on VHS, except for that whole “always sought after” part. But a damn fine cup of joe can indeed be yours on the regular with the Espro Press ($85). Just ground the beans in the pot, add water, give it four minutes, press the plunger down, and voila, coffee that’ll make you the most sought after dude with a donkey since Juan Valdez. You do own a donkey right? K. Just checking.

Handpresso Auto

Let’s face it: freebasing cocaine is a pricy habit. The bills and possibly the bodies are piling up, and your drug induced paranoia is seeping into your daily life (is that helicopter watching you?). Ween yourself off the blow with the Handpresso Auto. The Handpresso delivers espresso on the go in five easy steps:

  1. Feed the machine water!
  2. Place a virgin pod of coffee on the sacrificial altar!
  3. Hit the power!
  4. Mystery step!
  5. Consume via mouth hole!

The Handpresso fits in your car’s beverage holder, powers via car charger, and is much more legal to drive with than a satchel of Bolivian marching powder.

Otto Espresso Maker

The truly modern man doesn’t wait to flex his style muscles after a cup of bland instant coffee. No, he wakes up with an Italian-style jolt of espresso from this thing of beauty: the Otto Stove Top Espresso Maker ($850). Meticulously engineered and crafted, this eye-catching coffee creator is made almost completely of stainless steel, and it even comes with a DVD to show you how to put those Starbucks baristas to shame, shame, shame. Throw in two Italian designed latte glasses, a stainless milk jug, and a premium travel case, and your morning (or after dinner) beverage will now be as cool as you are.