Reign In Blood Wine by Slayer

If you’re going to sell out, might as well be in the drunkest manner possible, or the pinballiest (looking at you, AC/DC). Named after their seminal 1986 album and not the taste, Slayer’s Reign in Blood wine continues the baffling trend of metal artists marketing their own wine (see: AC/DC, Motorhead). Surprisingly, the wine is a Cabernet Sauvignon and not the fermented souls of 1000 virgins. It’s a fine red to swirl haughtily when you find yourself in the violent brutality of the mosh pit. Polish the bottle off and smash it over someone’s head. When they protest your violence, ask them if they’d like some cheese with that whine. Everyone will appreciate your wordplay, especially the police, judge, jury, and your cellmates.