Lazyglasses: Because Reading Is Fundamental, And Hard

Grandmas everywhere are still wondering why America’s children have spurned reading in favor of the Nintender. Perhaps it’s because reading is pretty demanding; what with all the holding of books and head turning. Lazyglasses ($16) might actually make reading cool again, thanks to its special mirrored lenses that let you read text at 180 degrees. That means little Jacob can plop down on his Insidious 2 bedspread and read while lying flat on his back. But shhh, don’t tell him: They also work with TV.

Middle Finger Paperclips: The Facebook Thumbs Up Alternative

If you’ve grown tired of seeing Facebook’s Like Thumb everywhere, maybe this will even the score. Middle Finger Paperclips ($10 for a box of 20) simultaneously holds your documents together and tells the world how you feel about being forced to hold said documents together for a meager salary. Bird-flipping has never been so stealthy and yet so productive at the same time.

Envelope X-Ray Spray: Doesn’t Work On Email, But…

For decades, no, centuries, this invention would’ve made a killing in the free market: a spray that momentarily shows you what’s inside an opaque envelope. As it stands now, the Envelope X-RAY Spray ($14.49) is still pretty cool, but our sources say it does not work on email. Rats. If you can get past that flaw, you’ll enjoy a whole new world of spy-like action. The spray turns any opaque paper translucent for about 30 seconds, then that paper returns to its original state–no markings, no discoloration, no paper trail.

Bacon Scented Soap: Just Don’t Eat Your Hands

I don’t recall being asked if I wanted my soap to smell like an Irish spring or a dove, but that’s the crap that’s been foisted on us for decades. But now there’s finally an alternative: bacon scented soap from Man Hands ($5.95). There are other varieties, including cash, cannabis, and baseball glove, but this, this 3 oz. bar of betterment will leave you clean and most importantly, your hands and face will reek of bacon. The women will never know what hit ’em.

Rogue VooDoo Doughnut Chocolate, Peanut Butter and Banana Ale

After highlighting glazed donut vodka, nothing fazes us when it comes to flavored booze. So dust off that 45 (that’s an old vinyl record, kids) of “Don’t Be Cruel” and prepare to pay tribute to Elvis with a beer he surely would’ve guzzled in his trailer before a gig. Rogue Chocolate, Banana & Peanut Butter Ale ($13) contains a baker’s dozen ingredients including, yes, chocolate, banana and peanut butter. Maybe wash it down with some maple bacon ale and a shooting of your TV set?

Floppy Disk Table

The floppy disk was a casualty of progress; a piece of tech that couldn’t withstand the tick-tock, if you will. But in table form? It is back with a vengeance. The Floppy Disk Table is not only functional with its sturdy hot-rolled steel construction, but it’s also true to its origin, as the disk cover slides back to give you storage room for remotes, controllers, and maybe, just maybe, some real floppies.

Christmas Dinner in a Can

It seems like 90% of the stress involved with the holidays comes from food. Your Aunt Linda’s Mushroom Pop Rocks just always seem to piss people off. Forget the hassles of home-cooked meals and simplify things this year with Christmas Dinner in a Can ($9.59). Turkey casserole with all the trimmings is just 12 minutes away, as you simply remove the rubber cap, pierce the holes, and open the insulated can to set off the exothermic reaction that heats up your best Christmas dinner ever! Now who’s gonna break the news to Aunt Linda? Let Santa do it.

Death Star Tea Infuser

How pissed is Darth Vader over the constant movie tinkering by George Lucas? He’s so pissed, he’s switched from Jedi blood to tea as his bedtime beverage of choice. Of course he’s still a supreme evil prick, so he uses this stainless steel Death Star Tea Infuser ($19.99) to get things going, and now you can too. Just fill it with the tea leaves of your choice and dip it into hot water. May the Sleepytime be with you.