Vipp Suction Hook: It Really Sucks

Unless you’re a vacuum salesman or porn star producer, it’s not too often you can brag about how your product really sucks. But there’s a new entry to the list of stupendous suckers: the Vipp suction hook (19 euros for two). Made of stainless steel and rubber, these hooks mount on any glass-like surface and reliably hold anything up to 2.2 lbs. The Danish Technological Institute tested the hooks and saw no signs of wavering after three weeks of use, even after presumably holding up more than a dozen of those Danish butter cookies.

KeyFlip: Get Home, Get Hammered

All you really need in life is a roof over your head and a cold one (Mr.Pibb?) in your hand. The KeyFlip covers you on both ends, getting you into your crib (do people still say that?) and then popping the top on your beverage of choice. It’s made out of aluminum, so even if you’re trying to pry open one of those notoriously tough-to-open Chastity Belt beers (not a real thing), the KeyFlip won’t break.

TrakDot Luggage Tracker: That Is My Bag, Baby

Trivia time! Question: Where does your suitcase go when the airline loses it? If you guessed “The nether reaches of Mordor,” you’re partially right. We think. Point is, we often have no clue where our bags go. But the Trakdot Luggage Tracker changes all that. Just put this AA-battery-powered beacon into your checked bag and keep tabs on its whereabouts via your smartphone. You’ll get real-time updates on your bag’s current city location through your iOS or Android device. It even sends texts if you lack a smartphone. TrakDot itself costs $50, with a $9 activation fee and annual service fee of $13.

StickNFind Bluetooth Stickers

Grandma. As much as you love the old girl, she does have a tendency to drift off anytime you’re within 75 yards of a Pottery Barn. And then it’s all “But why did you leave her stranded at the mall!?” when you see your parents. You don’t need that kinda hassle. You need these new StickNFind Bluetooth Stickers ($35). Just put one on anything you don’t wanna lose – remote control, keys, aging relative – and let your phone track it down for you via Bluetooth signal. The app lets you to keep track of up to 20 objects at a time, with a range of about 100 feet. Stay close, granny.

Free Key Press-To-Open Keyring

Normal keyrings are most famous for being stroke-inducingly difficult, nail-destroyingly painful, and they’re also not appropriate substitutes for engagement rings or even purity rings. The Free Key Press-To-Open Keyring is the opposite of all those things, especially the purity ring part. Trust me, you’ll be having zero sex if you go around wearing this as some sort of statement. For its actual, non-silly use, just press the Free Key to open it; a novel idea repeated a disturbing amount of times on the packaging. And as the packaging also suggests, the Free Key includes three group rings for organizing your keys into groups such as bicycle, motorcycle, and…boat? Oh packaging, you slay me with your quirky whimsy.