Zemgear 360 Ninja Split-Toe Running Shoes

Once thought to be strictly reserved for psychopaths with little will to live, running barefoot, or as close to barefoot as possible, is now considered a great way to train. The Zemgear 360 Ninja Split-Toe Running Shoes ($50-$60) features include a unique split-toe design, tech bands in the upper for stability, and Gecko-Grip rubber pods for traction. At just 2.5 ounces, they also weigh less than the amount of mental anguish that most psychopaths carry around with them.

GoPro HERO3 Black Edition

Streaking (yes, as in running naked) through Costco is not the kinda thing you wanna do more than once, trust me. So when you finally summon up the courage to show bulk shoppers your, uh, bulk, make sure you’re at least wearing the new GoPro HERO3: Black Edition ($400). Wear it, mount it, submerge it, whatever. It takes video 1440p 48fps, 1080p 60 fps and 720p 120 fps video, as well as 12MP photos at a rate of 30 photos per second. Plus it’s got Wi-Fi, so you can totally stream the reactions of horrified shoppers to whomever would wanna see that stuff. Ask around, I’m sure someone does.

5 (Asinine) Tips for a Super Summer

It never fails. The thermometer hits 85 and TV newscasters bombard us with doomsday warnings about killer jellyfish and deadly potato salad drive-bys. But man, summer only lasts two months! It needs to be sucked dry of all its fun juice, and sucked fast and hard. Ditch the nagging naysayers and click “Next” to pump up your summer fun!

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The Jetovator

When the piranhas invade your lakeside family reunion this year, guess who’s gonna be the only person to high-pressure hose his way to safety? Nooo, not former NASCAR great Dick Trickle (good/weird guess, though). You will be! Yes, you will able to evade those tiny teeth with the use of the Jetovator ($9,000); a water-powered (via personal watercraft) bikeish vehicle that goes up to 25 mph and 30 feet high. It also plunges you 10 feet below the surface, so once you escape the piranhas, you can drop back under the water to give them the finger (figuratively).

Vintage Golf Club Bottle Opener

Ever have doubts about whether your father is indeed really your father, or even a father at all? Here’s the crucial test: Does he like golf and beer? If you answered yes, then congrats! This dude is still your dad! Go celebrate and buy him this Vintage Golf Club Bottle Opener ($34) for Father’s Day. He’ll enjoy the harmonious convergence of two of his faves. If you answered no, well, at least that’s $35 in your pocket. This guy ain’t getting jack.

Suzuki GSX 1400 Special Edition Axis Quad

Before you begin drooling over Batman’s motorcycle again (The Dark Knight Rises opens July 20), feast your eyes on the Suzuki GSX 1400 Special Edition Axis Quad. At $40,000, it’s cheaper than Bruce Wayne’s bike, and yet it looks almost as wicked. With a GSX 1400cc Suzuki digitally fuel-injected motor, you’ll have more than enough get-up-and-go to track down baddies like Calendar Man, Mad Stan, and Jazzman. Yes, they are all actual Batman villains. French Toast Sticks Guy can’t be far off.

Multi-Person Inflatable Mat

Next, on Secrets of the Bible Revealed! We show you how Jesus pulled off his amazing “walk on water” trick! Historians (OK, not many, but there’s this one guy named Gary who seems to know his shit) say he actually used the Inflatable Walk On Water Mat ($1,000) from Hammacher Schlemmer. Yes, this mat actually could’ve kept Jesus and up to five apostles afloat thanks to its reinforced 500-denier fabric fused with layers of 28-oz. PVC.  With 90 square feet of surface area that can support up to 1,000 pounds, you’ve got the perfect new place to hold Bible study!

ION AIR PRO HD Sports Camera

Twitter is the perfect outlet for chronicling your daily mundanities via stream of consciousness ramblings, but typing makes your fingers tired. Instead keep a video record of absolutely every moment of your life using the ION AIR PRO action cam. The Ion Air Pro is waterproofed, allowing you to film yourself  kayaking, whale hunting, or perhaps even bathing if you’re into that. Duct tape the Air Pro to your head for a subtle way to gather undercover video footage of all sorts of corruption, all at 30 frames per second. Upload all the 1080p HD videos to the the amorphous entity of information known  as The Cloud (the first 8 delicious gigabytes of storage are free). Get the camera bundle for $318 and Wi-Fi connectivity for $127.