There’s always that science experiment slice in the back of your fridge, but sometimes you crave pizza that’s hot, fresh, and without mold spores. For those late-night cravings or when you’re in an unfamiliar area, call on the Pizza Compass (99 cents), an application that brings up a map of all the nearby pizza joints. Just pick your place and the app acts like a real compass, with your final destination always ending in savory melted cheese and bread in your mouth.
When was the last time you had chain pizza so good you had to smack someone? Answer: never happened. Fact is, the best pizza is made with pizzazz, and pizzazz don’t be happenin’ on assembly lines. Create your own smack-worthy, Neapolitan-style pizza at home without the normally necessary 800-degree oven via the Modernist Cuisine Special Edition Baking Steel. The solid alloy baking surface outdoes any ceramic pizza stone, so your slices will cook faster and crispier–leaving more time for smacking.
We all know the big pizza chains don’t get their business because their pizza is delicious. They get tons of orders because they’re in every single neighborhood in the U.S. and they advertise out the wazoo. But if you’re aiming to make 2013 about quality pizza, you can reject that wazooiness with Uuni, a personal wood-burning oven that promises to deliver primo pizzeria flavor to your plate at home. Due to some sort of pixie magic, the Uuni can replicate the crazy high temperatures of traditional wood-burning ovens (600°-840°F), and it’s precisely that heat leads to the charred crust you find with Neapolitan-style pizza. Peace out, Papa.
Consider yourself lucky if you grew up in the era of the Fat Boys. The Human Beat Box, Kool Rock Ski, and Prince Markie Dee had more fun with their beats & rhymes than all other rappers combined from the years 2000-20012. They were never shy about their love of food (trans fats hadn’t been invented yet), so it’s only fitting that a reissue of the Fat Boys debut album is released on vinyl–inside a pizza box. This chunky set comes with a 20-page liner notes booklet and a download card for bonus materials.
If you’ve been holding out on buying a pizza cutter because you wanted one that couldn’t be found inside a dilapidated Pizza Hut, here ya go. The Rosle Pizza Wheel ($38) is a stylish tool with a free-rolling blade that’s destined to perfectly divvy up your slices each time. Next on the I’ll-buy-one-as-soon-as-they’re-cool list: a college diploma.
The last thing you need at a time like this is the hassle of ordering a pizza online, or – god forbid – by the phone. And leave it Pizza Hut Domino’s Papa Johns Red Tomato Pizza in New York Chicago Italy Dubai to come up with the killer app. The VIP Fridge Magnet gets you a pie with just the simple press of a button. You do find button-pressing simple, don’t you? Geez. This little dynamo uses a Bluetooth connection to put an order in based on your previous preferences, then sends a confirmation text to make sure you really mean it. Before you can text back “Of course I mean it!” BAM! Pizza guy is all knocking at your door and stuff.
Russian roulette tends to get a little too dramatic, what with the gun play and all. But if you still enjoy the concept, we just found dinner for your next UK trip. New Zealand-based Hell Pizza offers their customers an option for Pizza Roulette, which means one slice of your pie comes with two drops of the world’s hottest chili sauce (2 million Scoville units) on it. Of course no one knows what slice actually has the heat, so the pressure builds with each bite. It’s roulette the way we like it: melted cheese sans Deer Hunter hijinks.
Feeling guilty about only having to pay Domino’s for their pizza without helping make it, too? Step up your contributions to the pizza chain by helping them build your pie–virtually. The Domino’s Pizza Hero app for the iPad is a game that lets you make a pizza onscreen and then order it in real life. Pizza Hero challenges you to knead the dough, spread the sauce, sprinkle the cheese, place the toppings and cut all the slices as an anxiety-producing timer ticks away, just like in real life! Sure, you’re probably going to put a few thousand pizza makers out of business, but hey, it’s Dominos; they’ll land on their feet with that piping hot experience on their resume.
