Baseball Glove Scented Soap

Take your love of baseball from the field to the shower. Try out this Baseball Glove Scented Soap ($7) and go from smelling like Dove to smelling like a Glove. Hey oohh!

Nintendo 64 Cartridge Soaps

When you’re not in a prison shower, bar soap is great. It’s manly. It’s rectangular. And since it is soap, it’s never dirty. But, when you finally wear that bar down to just a sliver, things get real dicey. STACK Infinity Bar Soap ($12.56 for a pack of 6) is specifically designed to avoid the pitfalls of tiny, slippery soap by letting you stack your little sliver on top of the next fresh bar. A specially shaped groove and grippy, raised lettering form the perfect soapy union. Coming soon to a jail near you?

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Every morning (or night) when you shower, remind yourself of the good ol’ days. Take a bar of a Nintendo 64 Cartridge Soap ($17) in your hands, close your eyes and think back to the times of Mario Kart, The Legend of Zelda and Donkey Kong 64. All those afternoons with no pressure, no responsibilities, just you, the mushrooms and an oversized gorilla throwing barrels. Then, your girlfriend interrupts you mid-dream: “Why are you fondling that soap?” Uhh, nothing, nothing at all.

Bacon Scented Soap: Just Don’t Eat Your Hands

I don’t recall being asked if I wanted my soap to smell like an Irish spring or a dove, but that’s the crap that’s been foisted on us for decades. But now there’s finally an alternative: bacon scented soap from Man Hands ($5.95). There are other varieties, including cash, cannabis, and baseball glove, but this, this 3 oz. bar of betterment will leave you clean and most importantly, your hands and face will reek of bacon. The women will never know what hit ’em.

Odor Removing Stainless Steel Soap

So you just made your lady a scrumptious dish of swordfish sautéed in garlic and onions, and now you’re about to tenderly caress her cheek with those same hands that chopped, sliced, and diced all those potent ingredients. HOLD UP! Reach for the Alessi Savon Du Chef Stainless Steel Soap ($25) instead, and remove all the offensive odors from your overworked palms. It’s made from 18/10 stainless steel and the smooth top edge also doubles as a nail cleaner. OK… now you can grab that ass. That was the cheek you were going for, right?

Allsorts Liquor Scented Soap Bars

Introducing the Allsorts Liquor Scented Soap Bar. The only organic vegan soap that will have you smelling like you just came from the bar. Fragrances include whiskey sour, gin and tonic and spiced rum. Each bar will set you back $5 but that’s a small price to pay for the constant flood of women coming up to you and asking where the party is at*.

*Finger pointing to pants not included.