Instant Regret Peanut Butter

A bad heroin trip in a London brothel, sure, that’s regrettable; but peanut butter? Instant Regret Offensively Hot Peanut Butter ($12) aims to bring the feeling of remorse to a whole new arena with this nutty, spreadable lava. Made with King Naga peppers and Habaneros, your jelly simply ain’t ready for this stuff, which clocks in at 12 million Scoville heat units. Then again, how does one really determine the readiness of jelly?

Instant Regret Vodka: 100,000 Scovilles of Regret

Swiggin’ stiff liquor out the bottle too mundane for ya, daredevil? Spice things up with Instant Regret Vodka ($47.69). Described as “offensively and painfully hot,” each sip delivers 100,000 Scovilles (think Habanero chili) to your absolutely stunned taste buds. Keep children, pets, and anyone a shade wimpier than John McClane away from this stuff.