Instant Regret Vodka: 100,000 Scovilles of Regret

Swiggin’ stiff liquor out the bottle too mundane for ya, daredevil? Spice things up with Instant Regret Vodka ($47.69). Described as “offensively and painfully hot,” each sip delivers 100,000 Scovilles (think Habanero chili) to your absolutely stunned taste buds. Keep children, pets, and anyone a shade wimpier than John McClane away from this stuff.

Tabasco Spicy Chocolate

The only thing worse than eating all those Valentine’s Day chocolates each year is the amount of hot sauce you go through with them–am I right? Well, consider that problem solved. Tabasco Spicy Chocolate lets you take your hand off the bottle for once and enjoy rich milk chocolate the way it was meant to be: with red peppers, salt and vinegar. Tell Whitman’s to step off this year, and drop $8 on a gift that your girlfriend will surely, uhh, have an opinion on.