HP Envy Spectre XT

At some point the question will be “How fast do we really need our internet porn?” At some point. This is not that point yet. We need it faster. Harder. Stronger. Where was I? Oh yeah… We still crave a better computing experience, and the HP Envy Spectre XT (starting at $999.99) promises to deliver that in a thinner shell with a neat new design. With Intel’s Ivy Bridge processor, a backlit keyboard, and an estimated eight hours of battery life, you’ll have all the resources you need to get your filth fast.

HP Envy 14 Spectre

Will HP ever command wicked cool credibility like Apple? No. But will they ever make a better laptop than a Mac? Yes, and this might be it. Fully unveiled this week at CES 2012 is the Envy 14 Spectre, a so-called “premium ultrabook” that wows with its Gorilla Glass-covered scratch-proof lid, screen and palm rest, high resolution display, and assortment of enticing extras. The 14-inch, 1600 x 900-resolution Radience display is beautiful, and the $1,399 Spectre starts with a Core i5-2467M processor, 4GB of RAM, and a 128GB mSATA SSD. Checking the connections, HP delivers an SD card reader, two USB ports, HDMI, MiniDisplay, and Ethernet. The backlit keyboard is chiclet style, not chick lit style, and that’s good because in my humble opinion, women’s literature doesn’t deserve its own keyboard style. [Ed. note: He said ‘women’s literature’, not ‘women’. Please, no hate mail…As you were.]

Samsung Series 5 Ultrabook

If you plan on buying the new Samsung Series 5 Ultrabook, grab your Transit Issue Passport Folio, and get your butt on a plane to South Korea stat. You could wait until the Series 5 comes to the western world, but who knows when that will be.

So once you get to South Korea to find your beloved Series 5 Ultrabook, what can you expect (besides an overwhelming abundance of technology, people, and food)? First you have to choose between the 13-inch or 14-inch models. The 14-inch measures 20.9mm thick and weighs 1.8 kg, while the 13-incher is 14.9mm thick and weighs 1.4 kg. Both feature 1366 x 768 anti-reflective displays, an Intel i5 chip , and each can take up to 8GB of RAM. The Series 5 is also a bit beefier, if you will, than some Ultrabooks with storage options like a 128GB SSD or a 16GB SSD to accompany a 500GB or 1TB HDD. The Samsung Fast Start option will wake the Series 5 from sleep mode in just 2 seconds, and it also features an optical disc drive, AMD HD7550M graphics, Wi-Fi, and HDMI just to mention a few. Oh, and while you’re playing with your new Series 5 toy, be sure to check out the popular street snack, “Beondaegi”, a crunchy and wet South Korean delicacy. Humm, hum, good.

Lenovo IdeaPad U300s

Apple may have been the first to pull off the super slim laptop look, but hey, just because one Hollywood actress is freakishly skinny doesn’t mean another can’t strive to be abnormally gaunt, too. That’s the philosophy to keep in mind with the new Lenovo IdeaPad U300s, a 13.3” stunner that’s fresh out of Intel’s new “Ultrabook” line. Starting at about $1,200, you’ll be getting 256GB SSD storage, a 1.8GHz Intel Core i7-2677M processor, 4GB of memory, and USB 3.0, all in a really sharp, svelte package. At just 2.9 pounds, it’s lighter than the combined weight of two newborn babies–babies who, by the way, will never know that the MacBook Air came first.  Shhh.