The Hoverboard by ZR brings another dimension to water sports lovers. Attach the 60′ hose and kit to a watercraft and fly 20 feet in the air up to speeds of 15 mph. Cowabunga! The complete kit runs close to $6,000, so make sure you really want it or it’ll end up in the corner of the garage somewhere. Right next to those other expensive toys you used once and never used again.
If you’re gonna be engaging in a trendy, muscle-building, outdoorsy activity like paddleboarding, you damn sure are gonna want people to know about it. But showing off your deltoids becomes difficult at dusk. That’s why the NOCQUA 2000 is such an ingenious product; you get two waterproof LED light bars and all the components necessary to equip the bottom of your board with stylish and functional lights. Now you can paddle past sundown and still parade those pipes. Progress.
How many times have you been riding an ATV through Jellystone Park when all of a sudden a ravenous bear begins to chase you because your armpits smell like jerky? 11? Thought so. Well, with the Quadski ($40,000) you can evade that nasty bear once you reach the lake as this thing turns from ATV into jet ski! Yes, it’s a fully functioning ATV/Personal Watercraft. Take that Optimus Bond!
When the piranhas invade your lakeside family reunion this year, guess who’s gonna be the only person to high-pressure hose his way to safety? Nooo, not former NASCAR great Dick Trickle (good/weird guess, though). You will be! Yes, you will able to evade those tiny teeth with the use of the Jetovator ($9,000); a water-powered (via personal watercraft) bikeish vehicle that goes up to 25 mph and 30 feet high. It also plunges you 10 feet below the surface, so once you escape the piranhas, you can drop back under the water to give them the finger (figuratively).
The first step towards becoming an undersea explorer like James Cameron begins with looking for that scabby Band-Aid at the bottom of your neighbor’s pool. The HydroView ($3,995) will let you do just that, safely from the comfort of your neighbor’s nice new deck. This remote control underwater vehicle has an onboard camera that streams high quality video and photos to your iPad as you enjoy your neighbor’s tasty shrimp kabobs fresh off the grill. Did we mention your neighbor is going on vacation July 2-9?
Next, on Secrets of the Bible Revealed! We show you how Jesus pulled off his amazing “walk on water” trick! Historians (OK, not many, but there’s this one guy named Gary who seems to know his shit) say he actually used the Inflatable Walk On Water Mat ($1,000) from Hammacher Schlemmer. Yes, this mat actually could’ve kept Jesus and up to five apostles afloat thanks to its reinforced 500-denier fabric fused with layers of 28-oz. PVC. With 90 square feet of surface area that can support up to 1,000 pounds, you’ve got the perfect new place to hold Bible study!
With the emergence of so many water sports over the years, good ol’ bodysurfing has kinda been neglected. Bodysurfing no like that. Bodysurfing come after you with tire iron in dark alley. Make amends with this ancient wave-riding technique with the Olasul x Danny Hess Teardrop Handplane, a water accessory handmade from sustainably harvested poplar wood. It’ll significantly boost your speed in the water, and though you won’t be as fast as a dolphin, at least you’ll be swimming with a porpoise. Note: Bodysurfing does enjoy bad ocean-themed puns.
As the world waits patiently (too patiently, if you ask us) for its Aquaman movie, there’s still time for you to get the lead role. The Subwing ($795) may be just what you need to get the audition. Made of carbon fiber, these wings are attached to a boat via a super-strong rope. The unique shape and control system allows you to glide through the water with the greatest of ease, rising up and down and pulling off barrel rolls for as long as you can hold your breath–a skill, which, by the way, you’re gonna need to get up over 9 seconds if you want that Aquaman gig.
