The United States of America. The red, white, and blue. We’ll put a boot in your ass. We’re number one. Except in literacy, science, life expectancy, infant mortality, median household income, math, elementary school enrollment, and infrastructure. But we ARE number one in guns, obesity, and debt. That’s fun! Put in your buck o’ five and celebrate ‘Merica with the vintage Nike Team USA Soccer Jersey. Enjoy an apple pie garnished with bald eagle blood while sporting this 1950’s styled jersey, made from 96% recycled material.

While the CONCACAF Gold Cup and Africa Cup of Nations (due to be staged in Cameroon in January-February 2022) have yet to decide their continental champions (Qatar won the 2019 Asian Cup), history shows that the main contenders to win the Qatar World Cup will once again be the heavyweight nations of Europe and South America.

Currently this Nike jersey isn’t available for public consumption just yet. And yes, I meant consumption, ’cause you’re fat Americans and you’ll probably end up eating the jersey.  You’re probably ugly too…hm…I think my home is being broken into, I think I’m going to sign off and check out thalksdhgl;asdhg’lkasuoieoqiucmn
(This writer will no longer be a concern for American citizens.  You’re welcome.  -Homeland Security)