Making ugly faces, eye-bulging, lip-biting, neck vein-throbbing ugly faces, is the sign of a good strong workout. But as ugly as those faces are, they can’t compare to the rough mugs on these Zombie Bells ($43 for the 18 pounder). Hand sculpted from real human skull dimensions, these iron weights are perfectly balanced and ideally proportioned for all sorts of swings and lifts. Or just achieve the ultimate in irony by smashing a zombie’s face with a zombie’s face.
How would you rather go: quickly getting mauled to death by a face-eating zombie, or getting slowly nagged to death by your overprotective mother? Tough call, I know. But the T.A.S.K. (Tactical Apocalypse Survival Kit- $200) is great because it prepares you for both nightmarish scenarios. The flexible and durable backpack pops open in a jiffy to reveal a Multi Use Battle Axe, 20 Function Multi-Tool, Easy-Grip Knife, and more. You even get a LifeStraw, which filters dangerous bacteria and protozoa, letting you drink directly from a lake or river.
What the hell happened to the whole 2012 end-of-the-world hysteria? Seems like politics and Honey Boo Boo have taken our minds off the fact that the world is going to end within mere weeks! And it won’t be pretty. First, YouTube will go down. Then, Planters mixed nuts will cease to mix. Then, zombies. Lotsa freaking zombies. Prepare thyself with the Zombie Survival Kit ($80), an essential arsenal of goodies to beat down the baddies, including the SOG Tactical Tomahawk, Zombie Jerky, Zombie Crime Scene Tape, and more. With these tools, you’ll likely survive the undead assault, only to face the final stage of the apocalypse: Celine Dion clones. (shudder)
Forget zombies, what are you gonna reach for when this Honey Boo Boo girl and her mom come crashing through your window at 3am with documents from Nielsen showing you “HAVEN’T BEEN WATCHING THEIR TV SHOW!!” Grab the Knaxe ($44.99). You get a forged steel axe with a hideaway magnetic knife tucked inside. It also makes for a good TV-smashing tool.
As if Hyundai weren’t already making enough strides in the cool department, the Korean automaker has now shaken the industry with the first ever Zombie Survival Machine. Based on the um, Elantra Coupe, this lifesaver features a spiked zombie plow in the front, armored window coverings, roof hatch, weapons in the trunk, floodlights, CB radio, spiked all-terrain tires, and wheels with outstretched spikes for taking out the undead. Kinda almost makes you wanna see this thing actually happen, doesn’t it?
Looking for that certain post-apocalyptic multi-tool to lodge into the head of a ravenous zombie or unruly Starbuck’s customer? The Mo-Tool ($50) has all the useful parts of a Swiss army knife and none of the garbage (like the toothpick, why is there a toothpick). The Mo-Tool’s main feature is the axe, and when you spin it around, guess what? Now it’s a hammer. Your One-Handed Weapon skill will increase substantially with all that axing and bludgeoning you’ll be doing. Plus it has a wrench for wrenching, a knife for knifing, a SERRATED knife for the old serrating/knifing combo, and also a saw, screwdrivers, can opener, pliers, lightsaber, wire cutter, and file. Seriously, can this apocalypse happen soon?
If you want your bed to look like a zombie just had his head bashed in all over it, you’re gonna need the proper tool to achieve that style. The M48 Ranger Hawk Axe ($59.99) fits the bill with its lightweight build, stainless steel blade, and nylon reinforced sheath. It also comes with a compass so you can find the nearest rundown gas station whose phone doesn’t work and wait a second did something just crawl under that counter oh my god it’s the undead corpse of Ty Cobb quick grab your linens and your Ranger Hawk Axe!
When the zombies come – and they will come – what will be your lifesaving tool of choice? Gerber’s Apocalypse Kit is a safe bet. We also recommend the Dead On Annihilator Superhammer ($45). With 14-inches of forged steel and a rubber grip, this multipurpose hand tool will not only lodge itself in the undead skull of your choice, it also serves as a hammer, bottle opener, wrench, nail puller, and chisel. This thing will bash and smash its way through drywall, shingles, tile, brick, and concrete. Plus, the superhammer’s precise balance means you won’t get tired when using it, whether it’s for a home improvement project or killing–well, I suppose killing zombies is also kind of a home improvement project.
