Victoria Arduino Theresia Espresso Coffee Machine: Don’t Put Sanka In Here

Ready to treat your coffee like a work of art? Or at least better than you treat your parents at Christmas? Step up to the Theresia from Victoria Arduino. Named in honor of Pier Teresio Arduino, founder of the Victoria Arduino brand, this $6,800 beauty wows you from the first look to the first taste. The Theresia is made of Supermirror stainless steel and features the T3 (three-dimensional temperature) system letting you pinpoint your accuracy with three different parameters of temperature: steam, water infusion and the delivery unit.

CB Industries Jules Espresso Maker: Sexier Than Beyonce’s Pits

Can an espresso maker get you some? The CB Industries Jules Espresso Maker ($1,390) might. Created by Swiss artist and Designer Carlo Borer, this eye candy features a gorgeous stainless-steel orb sitting atop a tripod of the sexiest legs this side of Beyonce’s armpits gams. As your drink brews within the 15-bar, high-performance Saeco system fed by a 6-cup water tank, the legs glow in a multitude of colors. Just be sure to leave this thing out in a conspicuous place, like by your date’s phone.

Nuova Simonelli Musica Lux Espresso Machine

If any drink deserves to be made with flair, it’s espresso. No one would think less of you if you changed into a tux each time you made a cup. The Musica Lux espresso machine by Nuova Simonelli ($2,515) flairs out with twin rails of lights lining the stainless steel machine. You can even customize the brightness of the lights and the key pads. The heat exchanger boiler allows you to steam milk and brew espresso simultaneously, and any appliance that comes with a “steam wand” instantly makes your home that much flairy.

Espro Press: French Press without the Grit

Good coffee is always sought after, but rarely found–kinda like Norbit on VHS, except for that whole “always sought after” part. But a damn fine cup of joe can indeed be yours on the regular with the Espro Press ($85). Just ground the beans in the pot, add water, give it four minutes, press the plunger down, and voila, coffee that’ll make you the most sought after dude with a donkey since Juan Valdez. You do own a donkey right? K. Just checking.

Handpresso Auto

Let’s face it: freebasing cocaine is a pricy habit. The bills and possibly the bodies are piling up, and your drug induced paranoia is seeping into your daily life (is that helicopter watching you?). Ween yourself off the blow with the Handpresso Auto. The Handpresso delivers espresso on the go in five easy steps:

  1. Feed the machine water!
  2. Place a virgin pod of coffee on the sacrificial altar!
  3. Hit the power!
  4. Mystery step!
  5. Consume via mouth hole!

The Handpresso fits in your car’s beverage holder, powers via car charger, and is much more legal to drive with than a satchel of Bolivian marching powder.

Jura ENA 9

Any espresso machine with the name ENA 9 ($1500) isn’t going to be a run of the mill coffee maker. Winner of the 2011 iF Design Award, Jura’s ENA 9 comes packed with features to get your caffeine buzz on. Not only do you get coffee, you get latte macchiato, cappuccino and other drinks that end with ‘o’.

It’s also the only coffee maker with height-adjustable, dual spout technology. That means no more shoving cups under the mixer and having hot water spew all over your face. Oh what, that’s just me? Anyway, slide this baby onto your kitchen counter and you just upped your cool quotient by 10.