Petchatz: Talk Doggie To Me

Need a Fluffy fix at work? Wanna fire off a treat to Fido? This is all now possible with PetChatz ($350). Just mount it over any electrical outlet in your home, connect it to your Wi-Fi network, then shirk work all afternoon as you see and talk to your little critter from your computer or smartphone. You can remotely trigger an all-natural goodie to drop from the dispenser, and even release your pet’s favorite scents from the device. Better double up on the Dog Ass capsules.

Whistle Dog Activity Monitor: Boost Your Pooch IQ

What does your dog do when you’re at work? How much did he walk yesterday? What are his hopes, dreams, and desires? These questions (OK, maybe not the last one) and more can be answered with Whistle ($100), the on-collar device and app that measures your dog’s daily activities. You can keep tabs on Fido from your phone, share his memorable moments, and even send his health reports to your veterinarian. Pro Tip: Vets love pics of nude animals.

Meat Flavored Beer For Dogs

If your dog could talk, after “Mind if I sniff your ass for 40 minutes?”, he’d probably say something about wanting to enjoy a beer with you. Don’t wait for him to speak up; make the first move. Buy him Beefy Brown Ale or Cock-a-Doodle Brew ($19.99 for a six pack), a meat-flavored beer designed specifically for canines. 3 Busy Dogs makes the beverages with no alcohol, hops, or carbonation, so you don’t have to feel all guilty and stuff like you did that one time when you gnawed on his left leg instead of going to the supermarket.

Tagg Pet Tracker

It’s hard enough keeping tabs on everyone in your life, but with the Tagg Pet Tracker, keeping tabs on your pet is one less thing to worry about. The Tagg Pet Tracker monitors your pet’s location by using an innovative combined GPS, wireless technology. If Guinness ventures away from the designated “Tagg Zone,” this tracker will alert you with an email or text. The Tagg operates on Verizon’s networks, so you can feel confident your little Maximus is covered. Pet lovers know you can’t put a price on your pet’s safety, so keep Butch safe and sound, all for just $200.