LOCK8: World’s First Smart Bike Lock

Now that we’re not 7-years-old anymore, most of us have stopped getting our bikes stolen from us in-person. I say ‘most of us’ because I must admit, Butch, the neighborhood bully, actually did swipe my Huffy the other day. But this story isn’t about me, nor the ethically-challenged Butch; it’s about those other crafty thieves that prefer to do their dirt while we’re not watching. Lock8 is the world’s first GPS-tracked, siren-alarmed, sensor-enabled bicycle lock. This thing is bad news for those guys. There’s no key involved here, just use your smartphone to lock and unlock the device on your bike. And if your bike still does get stolen, the GPS will tell you exactly where it is. (Probably at Butch’s treehouse, FYI.)

6-Bottle Bike Bag: Wheelie Your Way To The Party

Sometimes a neighbor down the street throws a party, and you don’t need to drive there but you do need to bring some brews. Now you can hop on your Huffy and carry the beer with the 6-Bottle Bike Bag ($54). This sturdy, waterproof satchel holds up to six standard size 500ml bottles so you can focus on those baseball cards in your spokes and not the precious cargo that’s safely accompanying you on your brief journey.

Magnetic Bike Lights by Copenhagen Parts

Safety is a priority for you nighttime and/or dumb bicyclists. Replace your bike’s nitrous oxide speed boost canisters with the Magnetic Bike Light from Copenhagen Parts ($Mystery). The lights turn on after attaching them to the metal frame of your bicycle, and turn off after removal. That’s it. No fancy tricks here. You could attach it to the metal plate in your head and declare yourself king of the cyborgs, but that would be a silly idea. Just use it for its intended purpose, ass.

Theft Resistant Bike Light

Try as we might to rid them, no-goodniks remain a scourge on our society, doing things like stealing bike lights from upstanding citizens who just wanna see what’s in front of them as they pedal home. Fight back against those thieving scoundrels with the Defender ($50), a theft-resistant bike light that locks onto your handlebars and downright dares someone to try to swipe it. Made of aluminum with ultrabright LEDs, you’re set for 100 hours of light with 3 AA batteries. Come on. Take a light out of crime.