Ratio Eight Coffee Machine: Much Better than 1-7

Premium coffee needs premium machines. Behold, the Ratio Eight coffee machine ($395). These come hand-assembled in Portland and are made of die-cast aluminum with nickel-plated finishing. Such quality means many years of caffeine stimulation. Preorder now for a May 2014 ship date.

Bonaverde Coffee Changers: All in One Roast, Grind and Brew Machine

“Fresh brewed coffee” isn’t nearly as fresh as it claims to be. There’s like, 136 steps a coffee bean has to take before it lands at a retailer and then inside your cup. Roasting green beans sounds OK if you’re talking about veggies, but if you’re talking about roasting green coffee beans in your own personal machine, well, that’s worth calling the newspaper for. Bonaverde Coffee Changers ($250) has an all-in-one machine that promises to roast, grind, and brew your beans, letting you bypass Starbucks and redefine what fresh coffee means. It’s a process Bonaverde claims will also make for happier farmers, and trust us, you do not wanna piss off a farmer (one word: pitchforks).

Blossom Coffee One Limited: $11,000 Coffee Maker

Spending $11,000 ($11,111 to be exact) on a coffee maker is perhaps the finest way to weed out the pretenders from the aficionados. But why so much money? For starters, the Blossom Coffee One Limited is handmade with fancy materials like mahogany and teak, and it even gets hand-delivered to you. Using a – brace yourself – “proportional integral derivative feedback control loop,” the Coffee One precisely regulates the temperature of the water used, giving you the best H2O possible for the job. So the two questions you need to ask yourself right now are 1) How much do you love coffee? and 2) What time does that armored truck make its delivery again?