This Spring’s Beach Parties Demand Some Gucci White Sneakers

“I mean listen, we talkin’ bout laces. Not a game, not a game, not a game. We talkin’ bout laces. Not a game, not a, not a, not the game that I go out there and die for, and play every game like it’s my last. Not the game. We talkin’ bout laces, man. I mean how silly is that? We talkin’ bout laces.”

That’s how Allen Iverson would address these Gucci White Slip-On Sneakers ($495). Lace-free and distraction-free. Just shove that giant hoof inside and understand what $495 of blue snakeskin feels like. I imagine it feels like warm butter on your feet.

Gucci Checkers Set

Don’t let your high-class ways falter when it’s time for a visit to the game room. Acquire this Gucci Checkers Set for a mere $4350 and enjoy the perks of Italian-made leather as you cradle the corner and leap the noodle (those are checkers terms, right?). The board is made from dark brown leather with dark brown guccissima leather trim, while the pieces themselves are gorgeous dark and light brown.

Gucci Striped Soft Leather Briefcase

Demand that the ransom money be delivered in style with the Gucci Striped Soft Leather Briefcase ($1980). Remind the loved ones of your hostage that the briefcase is 100% leather; so god help them if they get their tears on it. The black leather and red/cream color scheme of the briefcase goes perfectly with the leather gloves and hockey mask you use to abduct your victims. The briefcase holds eight liters, exactly the size of a human head. Just saying, y’know, if all the money isn’t there, you’re not sure what you’re going to send back…